Thursday, March 14, 2013

Forgetting to Feel Enough

I had a pretty big moment this morning.
I have cognitively understood this for a while, but just couldn't quiet my anxieties on the issue.

Doing It All.

A horrible hampster wheel to find yourself on:
Trying to accomplish everything everyday.
And when everything isn't done (and or done fabulously well) you doubt your own abilities as a woman and a mama.
So you try harder.
And when everything doesn't get done (and or done fabulously well) you doubt yourself even more, because you put that much more into it.

And it just sucks, really.

This morning my Mom told me she couldn't watch Carter while I took Quinny (and Crew in tow) to Quinn's gymnastics class. I've gone by myself with all three of the wee one's before and it is just horrifically hard.
There isn't an aid in the class, so Quinny needs monitoring and assistance (by me)- but then Crew needs a snack on the rack and Carter is running around like a typical two year old runs around...and I am a frazzled, sweaty, exhausted mess.
So I decided we just wouldn't go.

Yes, it is super good for Quinn's sensory system.
Yes, she loves it.
But I just can't.

As soon as I muttered those words to myself- the guilt set in, and the voices of those critical around me started to yell out my insecurities about not trying hard enough, not doing enough, not being enough.

And then BOOM!
Allowing those most critical to have a voice in which way I steer my ship, is beyond silly- what the hell was I thinking?

There literally are not enough hours in the day to achieve everything I dream up, and even if there were enough hours, I would need to spend half of them feeling overwhelmed and exhausted!

One of my missions with this blog was/is to be honest about life.
How hard and messy, beautiful and miraculous, challenging and confusing life can be.
To encourage other women (and dudes) who feel not enough.

I was just forgetting to encourage myself.
Forgetting to feel enough.

Silly Jilly- working on this.

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