Monday, August 27, 2012

confession time and re-start

It has been a rough few weeks at the Snell compound.
Between the up's and down's with the pregnancy and surrounding folk's health, Little Lou's behavior has been beyond challenging- it is like we were back at square one.
So frustrating. and heart breaking.

The past few weeks there were times where I wasn't paying as close attention to the food I (or more so, others) were feeding her. I have been so pre-occupied (slash exhausted) that as long as it was kind of 'ok' we would gamble; and I kept finding really clever ways to justify the short cuts:
I gave her turkey that wasn't GFCF (but we were at my parents, so options were limited and I was too tired to go to the store and she was starving!)
We stopped and got her Burgerville fries (cause she was starving and what harm could the gluten-y oil do?)
She was begging for cereal so I gave her some Rice Krispies (maybe the malt in it was small enough it wouldn't effect her?)

I just couldn't get it together anymore- being 100% was kicking my ass.
Waking up at 5:45a to stand on my feet (baking) with Mr. Finn pressing down on the pelvis.
Preparing and cooking dinners during naps, when all I could do was fall asleep with the kids.
Preparing meals and snacks to go, when each day was throwing us with so many curve balls I never knew what to pack or how much.

Slowly but surely, there went Quinn and out came the autism and SPD barriers.

Confession time:
I was so caught up in the challenging day to day cycles that I couldn't muster up the energy to step aside, breathe, and make changes.
I was watching this life get harder and harder and just praying that tomorrow would be different. That we would wake up and Quinn's neurological system had healed itself...I was doing everything 75% right, why couldn't that be good enough?

Praying, hoping.
But not doing.

I don't expect miracles out of this body and mind, but I do expect myself to rise to the occasion when I am cognitively aware of some short comings.

We can do this.

Back to the basics it is:
planning, support group finding, prepping, learning and reading.
The priority in our life is health and wellness for our family- 100% may not be in my grasp right now, but if I aim for 95%, give myself some slack, and breathe a lot more...I think we'll get closer to the zen we pray and hope for.

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